We Spend Our Lives Waiting to Arrive At Our Destination
I can’t afford to wait.
Photo by Raphael Ferraz on Unsplash
I have 7665 days left on this planet, according to my life expectancy calculator. So there is a good reason why I can’t afford to wait for some distant day in the future to start living my life and acting on my dreams.
You can make your own calculation of how much time you have to get your sh*t together.
Thank God my vices are minimal, and I live in Canada — among the top countries for life expectancy — topping the United States by a few years — but I still won’t allow for any complacency.
So I’m letting you know I’ve arrived. I am here. I got off the proverbial bus.
So where is here?
Of course, “here” can be the present moment.
But for me, “here” is a mindset. It’s a recognition that each day is precious.
Perhaps that sounds a little corny or maudlin, something we all supposedly know. But unless you have faced a serious illness or survived a life challenge, it is harder to appreciate that each day is a gift. For those who know and who have been there, this story is probably not for you. The rest of you should read on.
Sure I have a long bucket list of travels, goals and projects, and I’m still working on ticking them off my list. But I am living my life to the max. Let me explain how I arrived at this destination in the hopes that it might resonate with you.
Decide it’s no longer your problem.
It took a while for me to figure out that the burden was not always mine to carry. When you live with someone who has a mental illness, is an alcoholic or is very sick, you cannot shoulder their load. You can be sympathetic, kind and supportive, but it is not your burden, probably not your fault, and not yours to fix. Do what you can to help; be there 100%. But for your sake, let go.
When you let go — and I am not saying it’s easy — you are freer. The effort it takes to carry someone else’s load can be used for something much more productive and helpful for your loved one.
Compassion begins with yourself.
Our culture emphasizes being kind to others, but it does not emphasize being kind to ourselves. It took me a long time to be convinced that having compassion for myself was the same as having compassion for a friend who is suffering.
Discovering self-compassion gave me the space to step back and observe my life with a little less judgement. It allowed me to speak kindly to myself as I would to a friend going through a rough patch. Being self-compassionate is a skill that takes practice. But like any skill, the more you practice the better you get.
Have a vision.
Oprah might be pleased to hear me say, “this I know for sure.” I know what I want my life to be.
Since I know, I can focus on what that is. And that’s to be present in the moment, creative and challenged, and productive but less stressed. I want to feel like I am making a difference in the lives of others — my family, friends, and people in the larger community. This is what guides my decision-making process about what I take on.
Silence your inner critic.
I had a tough drill sergeant inner critic who constantly pushed me to do more and do it perfectly. He kept me in a crazy boot camp, always running in circles and in a perpetual problem-solving-be-in-control mode. He screamed, “You can do better.”
We had an epic battle, but for now, I am winning. I have squashed his voice into a tiny crevice somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind.
I did this by learning certain situations were out of my control. I couldn’t control the past, and I couldn’t control other people. I began focusing on what I could control—my thoughts.
By changing what I thought — by telling myself a better story — I learned I could control and improve how I felt. I learned I could silence my inner critic and choose what the narrative of my life was going to be.
Say no without regrets.
A surprising person taught me to say no. My mother-in-law. She was always willing to help, especially when my kids were small. But she had a busy life and also said no when she couldn’t. I always felt I could ask because she made me feel I was never imposing since sometimes she said no.
While I had a great role model, it still took me a while to learn to say no to others without feeling guilty. I felt I did not have or deserve the luxury of thinking of myself first.
It’s easy to let people know you are genuinely interested in helping, but you reserve the right to occasionally decline.
Now, I say ‘no’ to many things with no regrets.
Use the good dishes.
I say this all the time. I have never understood why someone would save their good dishes for a special occasion. They also say, “I will visit my sick friend when they are feeling a bit better; I will take a vacation when I have time; I will read to my kid when I am not so tired; I will open that bottle of wine when the promotion at work happens.”
If the pandemic has taught me anything, it is that there is no certainty in life, and it can change overnight. One day life is normal, the next day it is not. You spend the next 15 months in suspended animation, working from home, seeing no one in person, and eating dinner with the same person every night. Hugs, handshakes, coffee with a friend —all gone.
I take no day for granted and live my life grabbing the joy that presents itself each day. That means I use the good dishes every single day — literally and figuratively.
Final Thoughts
Each person has a different journey, and yours will not be like mine. But life has an interesting way of coming into balance and sharp focus. It will happen at the end of our lives or the moment we choose to act boldly and move in the direction of our dreams.
I had a few obstacles to clear away before I could live my life as I wanted to. Discovering the life expectancy calculator put a bomb under my seat, and I am not losing another moment.